Baked beans

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat1 lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up2; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down3, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed4 him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge5, and then walk off any ill effects6. So he had three extra-large helpings7 of beans, and he had gas all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded8 him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek9. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity10. He shifted11 his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten12 egg. He gasped13 and felt for his napkin and fanned14 the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge15 came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving16, and smelled worse. He tried flapping17 his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled18, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled19, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.




  1. Somewhat = slightly
  2. Give up = to stop doing something or having something
  3. Break down = to stop working
  4. Overwhelmed = if someone is overwhelmed by an emotion, they feel it so strongly that they cannot think clearly
  5. To indulge = to allow yourself to have something enjoyable
  6. Walk off any ill effects = get rid of any unpleasant feeling by walking
  7. Helping = serving, portion
  8. Blindfold = to cover someone's eyes with a strip of cloth
  9. To peek = to look quickly at something when you are not supposed to
  10. He seized the opportunity = he took the opportunity
  11. To shift = to move from one position to another
  12. Rotten = decayed
  13. To gasp = to breathe quickly
  14. To fan = to make air move around so that you breathe better
  15. Urge = a strong desire or need
  16. To rev = to make an engine go faster while the vehicle is not moving
  17. To flap = to move up and down
  18. To rattle = to shake noisily
  19. To yell = to shout